Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
