i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
he thought i was a dude.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
