yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
