I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
