Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
