mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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