if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize