Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
