hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
