Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
