Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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