I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
