she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
