I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
