After last night, I could never be a politician.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize