so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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