my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
