But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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