There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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