I am midnight drunk by noon
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Someone came in the potted fern
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
