I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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