at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
