Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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