Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
