omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
