btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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