I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
