I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
