I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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