i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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