I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize