Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
