shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize