What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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