Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
