I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
How's work?
Spinning.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
