I heard we made out
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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