to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My ATM looks so different sober.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
