it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
