It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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