Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
