Do you still have your period?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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