My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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