____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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