1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize