i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she woke up with a sticky ear
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
