Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
