Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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