got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
