last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
