What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
