Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
