I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
