apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
try to milk me bitch
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