4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
