I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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