Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
