Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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