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I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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