I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
