I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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