Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
being pregnant is like rehab
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
