that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize