I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
