I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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